19-16 Patriot Excise Act

I try to keep away from politics on this site, but this came in, and it’s not good news for coffee and sweet lovers!

Government sources today revealed that ministers have endorsed the so-called “19-16 Patriot Excise Act,” and the proposal now looks set to become an integral part of next week’s budget. 19-16 may invoke the events of the Easter uprising, but it actually refers to a 19% excise duty on coffee and a 16% duty on sugar.

“We have always been a both a country and a party of tea drinkers,” Brian Cowen stated, “and a duty on coffee will not only bring in 1 billion euros of badly needed revenue but will also target those among us who have benefited the most from the Celtic Tiger. Let’s face it,” he continued, “the ordinary working man is not a cappuccino drinker.”

As for the 16% levy on sugar, which will bring in a further 2 billion of revenue, the Taoiseach repeated his call for patriotism.

“Was there any evidence of cream buns or sticky toffee in the Post Office or the Custom House?” he asked, adding that the levy was better than adding tax to beer, houses or horse racing.

When reached for comment, Fine Gael’s leader Enda Kenny expressed outrage.

“There are many ways to show patriotism,” he said. “Perhaps it’s true that Mr. de Valera liked tea while Michael Collins enjoyed the odd coffee with two sugars, but it is completely inappropriate to settle old grievances in a time of national economic crisis.”

Eamon Gilmore of Labour agreed, stating that working families will be left with a sour taste in their mouths.

“The majority of coffee drinkers are clerical workers on a deserved break or labourers stopping at their local shop for a breakfast roll and coffee,” he said. “This government is bereft of ideas and is collapsing faster than a chocolate souffle.”

The Green Party, however, is enthusiastic about the proposal from their government partners. Trevor Sargent explained that most coffee is not Fairtrade and that each molecule of sugar contains six carbon atoms.

“I would be delighted if we could all switch to un-sweetened, herbal tea,” he said, “ideally from plants grown organically in your back garden.”

Note after the fact: This was posted for April Fools.
Related article here.

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